August 2009
10 posts
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Department Store
A woman in Alabama is in stable condition today. The woman reportedly lit herself on fire while trying on clothes in a local department store. Police said the woman was emotionally disturbed. Either that or she’s really bad at trying on clothes.
Hurricane Bill
Hurricane Bill became a category 4 hurricane yesterday as it plowed across the Atlantic ocean and into the island of Bermuda. Experts say there is little hope of determining who Bill will plow next. Hillary Clinton told storm analysts, “Now you know how I feel.”
Dogs
A pack of wild dogs attacked a couple in Georgia last week. Experts are saying it is likely one of the dogs signaled the others to attack. There is no way to be certain which dog initiated the attack, but police have become suspicious of the one with love and hate tattooed on his paws.
Bench Press
(Part 1) An 85-year-old woman has set a new world record after bench pressing 55 pounds. The woman will soon make history once again by becoming the first athlete to appear on a box of Fiber One cereal.
(Part 2) In addition, the woman has just signed a lucrative endorsement deal with Bengay.
Computer Virus
Security analysts have found that an online video of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews undressing in a hotel room contains a harmful computer virus. Those affected by the virus have said it was the hottest inconvenience ever.
Beer
A study released today shows that people who drink beer regularly are less at risk for Osteoporosis. This whole time I thought my Grandfather was an Alcoholic. Turns out he just wanted strong bones.
Lemonade
A 10-year-old girl was fined fifty dollars today after selling lemonade in Central Park without a permit. Officials said the fine was part of the city’s new initiative to cut down on smiles.
O'Donnell/ Hasselbeck Feud
The feud between former “View” co-hosts Rosie O’Donnell and Elizabeth Hasselbeck is back on. The feud escalated over the weekend when O’Donnell called Hasselbeck “Elizabeth Half-a-brain.” Hasselbeck was unavailable for comment. Representatives said she was busy walking into a glass door.
Wildfires
It was announced today the wildfires that destroyed over 84,000 acres of land in Southern California originated at an illegal marijuana camp in Mexico. Firefighters had trouble putting out the flames initially as they could not stop giggling.